What the hell am I doing? A question I ask myself often. Along with these other helpful inquiries that make each day a confusing and depleting hurdle to get over on my way to the next destination…being what, death? That seems relaxing….
Why can’t I be happy being home with my kids?
Why am I up at 3 am even though for the first time in, like, ever, Lola has actually slept?
Why can’t I get Katya’s behavior and attitude under control so that the household is not a chaotic clusterfuck any time she is awake?
Why do I keep buying crappy plastic toys that make extremely obnoxious noises when Noah pretty much couldn’t care less for them?
Why is it that I can manage to get laundry washed, or dried, or put away, but not ever all three?
How is it that I have fallen into a horrible habit of turning on a video for Noah during his mealtimes so that I can shovel quinoa into his mouth while he zones out because it’s the only way he’d eat that instead of chicken nuggets?
How do people get shit done? With kids? Someone has the secret. What the eff is it?
Why oh why oh why doesn’t Lola sleep through the night yet?
What am I doing wrong here? Because it feels like I can’t get anything right.
I place so much pressure on myself to Be Better to Do More. This is my job, right? Why do I feel like such a failure at it?
I find myself defaulting to easy standbys like the tv, or Ipad for Noah so I can manage to get through the laundry.
I leave Lola in her bouncy play thing – aka the Vortex of Fun – for the same reason.
But I still can’t manage to make the organic vegetarian meals I want to make, puree Lola’s baby food, or organize my pantry.
I haven’t played with Noah for hours, or read a book to Lola, or taken a walk for days, because…why? What am I doing with this time? I can’t figure it out.
Is there really that much laundry, that many things to pick up off the ground, that much housework?
Yes. There is. I have 3 kids. I have a dog. I have 2 cats. A husband. All who need me to be their caretaker.
And then there are the books to read. So far I have open currently: Simplicity Parenting (ha!), Nurturing the Soul of Your Family, Transforming Your Difficult Child, The Big Toddler Book, Fresh Starts (food for babies), Bringing up Bebe, Baby SLeep Solutions, and Healthy Child, Healthy World.
I need to be greener so I don’t kill the kids with chemicals. If I didn’t feed Katya gluten maybe she wouldn’t have ADD. If I let Noah play with those plastic Cars toys I bought him, the ones that smell so chemically every time you open the box I feel like passing out, he will surely have cancer by the time he’s a teenager. If Lola sleeps on this flame retardant doused mattress I lay her on she will surely acquire allergies. If I don’t talk to Noah enough he’ll not enunciate correctly and will never be allowed into preschool.
Holy shit. I AM doing everything wrong! There are so many ways to improve my parenting the kids will be grown before I become the mom I’m supposed to be.
Noah’s playthings. Lola’s sleep. Katya’s behavior. Our eating habits. The soul of our family rides on my kinked up back and I haven’t a clue how to take charge.
I’m falling apart with overwhelm. Will my kids survive my lackluster performance and become functioning adults? I am truly scared for their future.
Shake the 8 ball.
“Reply hazy. Try again later.”